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EDITORIAL NOTE:
HI,
Tho •dltor dccldirt' to
crock down and only print
oil and/or any nows that's
lit to print.
Thank You,
/¦ v,.- ./vv , ,Y '
ttw odltor
|
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Title IX bug
infects sports $$

"Hey, con you tell that
I
'm modest , definately not
a ham,and hate to have my
picture taken?" A camera
hog? Who ,me??

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SUPPORT BSC i
| ATHLETICS J
•WEAR A JOCK i
I TODAY!
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In a frenzy caused by a
disease called "Title IX,'~ the
gadget committee of CGA
decided to rearrange the budget
submitted by athletic director
SeeSaw Turtleville.
The committee decided that
the only way to allocate the
money fairly was to split the
$56,000 evenly among all the
teams. The football team who
was to receive $21,000, was
reportedly upset with the move,
which will result in the cancellation of the team's order for
maroon and gold leisure suits.
The suits were included in the
budget so that the team would
look spiffy on their road trips
next season.
The women 's swimming
coach stated that with the additional money for her team, the

women will be able to stop using
old stockings as bathing caps,
and instead, purchase the white
ones that the other teams use.
The decision was a severe
blow to the track team , which
will have to reduce the number
of men on the team to 213 instead of the 240 who now participate. "We can only have as
many men as we have sneakers
for , and because of the cut we
won't be able to buy sneaks for
all the team's members," said
the track coach.
The women's track team,
which already has more
coaches than they can handle,
said that they will use the additional money to purchase wax
for the batons so that the relay
teams can have smooth handoffs.

Baseball team
relocates in Fla

The Bloomsburg baseball
team will be making its final
appearance on the BSC campus
next week. After this season,
the team will play all their
games in Florida.
Rumors of the move have
been circulating since spring
break, at which time the team
was in the Sunshine State for the
pre-season training. The team
reportedly performs very well
down there, but the jet lag and
climate change, which the men
suffer when tJiey? return to
Bloomsburg, has an unfortunate affect on them.
Saul Poke-um. the BSC

A BSC student who was caught by the camera at Nelson
Field House blowing her nose in the pool. This habit has
become a chronic problem ,and the pool's caretakers are
asking everyone to please refrain from following this coed's
example,especially since this is hayfever season, and the
filter gets clogged easily.

Lacrosse
mascot
chosmn

trainer, described the symptoms of their difficulty for a
Campus Noise reporter.
"Welllll, it starts with dis
thing down here," said Poke-um
pointing to his ankle. "It swells
up, so that it's difficult to run
the bases. Then the fingers
refuse to bend, so that the ball
hits the glove and bounces off.
The final stages are similar to
rigor mortis, and the players
look too dead to move."
"Besides, the players have so
much fun selling oranges and
grapefruit that they have lost
their interest in playing ball,"
added the coach.

"*$%&'%$* freokin' boll off
of me, darn it I Who the heck
kicked It anyway?" A skilled
Bloomsburg player demonstrates how to use his head.
He has since been committed
to Danville State, having
suffered severe mental damage from the blow I

Mr. Teenage Pennsylvania,
who reportedly was a fan of the
BSC women's lacrosse team on
their recent stay in Kutztown,
has been officially named as the
team's mascot.
The decision was made when
the members of the team took a
vote following their 35-0 routing
of Penn State. Mr. Pennsylvania won by a slim margin,
barely beating out the guy in the
brown sweat suit and the
members of the U.S. bowling
touring team.

Womenplay
for money

A BSC gymnast demonstrates how to run to the end of the balance beam • and then
keep running , even though the balance beam quits. This girl had not quite perfected
the technique, but only suffered a broken nose In th« landing.

The BSC women's tennis
team, coached by Dr. Sherbet ,
to
turn
has
decided
professional. The women not
only shut out every team on
theinppring schedule, but they
even sent Burt Peanut Butter
Cup's tennis class to one match
because the women knew that
the competition was below
them. Dr. Sherbet, a teacher of
biology, said that his women's
netters all have exceptional
,
' .. ' , ' ' , ' . ' .'' ;' ' . ' ;¦ '.' . '::; ::;;;::'
genes.

"Can you smell that? It's sbj
strange I Every time I lift my
arms this foul odor arises.
Phew-lft wlekeil l" rj , r.

Guess ivho's playing?
Guess what group is coming
to BSC? You'll never be able to
guess in a million years. I bet
you all the bananas in South
America you can 't. Well I guess
I will just tell ya then. Okay,
now hold on tight this is a big big
name, I mean a really grea t
group. They have all the hits.
Everyone loves them.
I was talking to a few of my
friends and they just love them.
I asked Petrina about her

opinion . I said, "Hey Petrina ,
how about your opinion?" She
said , "Far-out , freaky and
funky, man. " Oh yeah and the
Concert Committee is real
pysched. They think this will be
better than a group from
Berwick.
So you better go and see this
fantastic group.
I still can 't believe they are
coming !

Nuclear effect seen

SO THIS IS WHERE THEY ARE ! If you've ever wondered where they put the male residents
of Elwell after the girls moved in, stop guessing. In an exclusive Campus Voice photo, we've
caught someone's father visiting his son in his new abode.
(Who cares who took the picture)

Love letters in the sand

TO THE EDITOR :
EILEEN, Eileen, why are you
leaving us! We will all miss
your bright shiny face and
nice..eyes. Please come back !
Besides, you don 't really expect
Peffley to take your place, do
you? His legs are too skinny.
You've helped us so much this
semester. Now we can all go to
the bathroom by ourselves !
But, of course, we understand.
You'd rather go off and teach
some strange, unknown seventh
graders the sociological implications of grammar than to
show us how to rite.
Once again , won't you stay?
We 'll even pay you—in monthly
installments beginning May,
1989.
Sincerely,
the staff
TO THE EDITOR :
I would like to reply to the
above letter. My legs are not too
skinny to take Eileen's place. I
think they 're just right.
Besides, my sparkling personality compensates for my

legs. And no. * vvon t shave them
for next yeai .
Sincerely,
Peffley

TO THE EDITOR :
I would like to say that I
thought Eileen has been one of
the best editors I've seen. For
one, she really knows how to
write her name! Secondly, she
has good connections. And
besides, she has the best legs
I've seen in a long time.
So, here's a goodbye kiss to
the most beautiful editor the
yearbook has ever had.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
TO THE EDITOR:
I'd just like to say that my
legs were not the reason I was
editor for this year. I have nice
eyes too. Oh well, if you've got
it, flaunt it.
„
Besides, I always wanted to
find out if an editor can write a
letter to the editor. I guess it is
possible. Too bad 1 didn't know

greetings, considering all ot the factors involved with the present
problems with the cold shutdown of the Three Mile Island nuclear
project it should be noted that a majority of Pennsylvanians cannot
say the word 'nuclear'.
it appears that Pennsylvanians have a bsorbed enough radiation
to damage their thought and speaking capabilities, the frequent
pronunciation of 'nuclear' is (nue-cue-lar) and not the standard
(nue-cle-r).
Pennsylvania's Governor ThornbL'd has requested the Congress
of the United States to send speech pathologists, and the assorted
lot, that can aid in returning the proper spoken pronounciation. the
Governor also feels that continued leaking of radiation may attribute to other speech and thought process breakdowns, namely,
the present surge in anti-nuclear sentiments.

Students to be replaced

that sooner.
Sincerely,
Eileen
TO THE EDITOR :
I'm really frustrated and
confused !
I have been talking to
teachers and advisors all year
and no one will listen to me.
Maybe the students of BSC will.
BSC students, listen to me!
Wouldn't you like to have a
belt of your favorite booze
between classes? I mean
wouldn't a shot of Jack Daniel
or Jelly Bean really hit the spot
during the day?
Really cool, eh? I think so too.
That's why I think or rather I
demand that the Union serve
drinks. I mean just a little bar
on the side with the basics. No
fancy stuff.
Just think of all the tension
the students can release with a
few belts of vodka. I think it's a
real funky idea .
So, man , if you want to have a
real cool bar in the Kehr Union ,
start talking. I mean man it's up
to you!

THEY MAY BE PINK , BUT THEY KNOW HOW TO PARTY I This is the group shot of the now
members of that fastly growing fraternity T.O.N.G.U.E. Their motto is, besides being soft
and cuddly we're also on the deans list.
(I told you,.w© don't car©I)

and so yet another semester
has ended and with it so ends
the existence of four year
veterans at BSC. the situation is
normal and requires little attention beyond the fact that
applications for replacement
students are now available.
those who have endured the
four year stay at BSC should be
g i v e n
s p e c i a l
acknowledgements, over and
beyond the usual degree, the
typical four year student has
lived through madness of every

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ONE OF THE STUDENT NURSES GIVING MOUTH TO MOUTH
RESUSCITATION? No, seriously, this is one gal who proves
that the greeks know which end is up.
(Onco again, who care*?)

Men 's brief s

PUTRID UNIVERSITY
Next Tuesday at PU , professor Does E. Smell will present the
annual commencement speech. His topic considers "The Olfactory
Senses and How they Can Be Ignored."The speech is open and free
to the public, if they can stand it.
CARNA$|COLLEGE
Professor Ingrid Whipsore, $f the S and M department, will
conduct a survey which will try to prove that necrophiliacs can
inflict pain on their partner. All interested body-snatchers or
corpse-carriers are invited to attend Whipsore's preliminary
meeting next Wednesday.
STUPID STATE
The SS concert committee will present , partially live, Nasty
Neddy and the Nits, world-renown idiot band. The group, who is
free to any one with plenty of pity, will perform their world-favorite
hits ' How Do You Turn On the Microphone", "I'm So Scared I Wet
My Pants", and "The Stork Didn't Bring Us, We Were Hatched."
*¦
SOMNABULISM SEMINARY
Father Yawn will conduct the first annual yawn marathon next
weekend. All students are urged to register for the contest, in which
various Seminary instructors will present their most boring lecture
to an auditorium of students. Of course, the shortest yawn wins
(unless the participant is dead).
OUR LADY OF INDIGESTION
„ The annual Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz will be conducted by Mother
Belch next Friday. At that time, all student gas will be tapped and)
^ sent to President Carter in the school's efforts to conserve energy, j
'
I Won't he be surprised.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? If you can guess, you've won (what , we don't know). If you know
what this is, please come to the Mute office and pick it up. It's parked over time in the executive's chair.
(OK, I'll tell you who took the picture later)

For those who haven't noticed,
this Is a blank hole on the page.
We usually have lots of these ,
but we usually fill them up. Today we didn't.

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THE CAMPUS MUTE
Exasperated Editor.... Loenoywoonoychlllyboany,
Chlof

John Paul III
Busy man
Choitor Harrasmont
Chlof Solicitor
Crude editors... Mark Twain's slstor , Bert Clemens
and Damn It, you lack tact
Featuring tho othor editors... Poff (not Clark Kent)
and his sldoklck Sour Krauss
Advisor

Bad sports
Ylng Yang Elllo and Tho Rath
Crappy editors
Both l and Beth II
,
Polaroid person
Aardvarlc Work
Consolation spot
Barbaric Pagan
Circulating men.... Tim, tho brother of Annie, Hall
end Paul Hadbublollgooan
Sir Richard tho Savage

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Reportori: Cynthia Peekaboo , and some others but they aren't horo right now , so they aren't going to bo listed.
Polaroid Persons) Mickey Roonoy's ion, Corald; Aaron, not Arrow; Paul Itch; M.E. Hero; Larry Darkroomlackoy; Harry Brown;
,
Lament Vain; Tom Yields,
' Soliciting folkf (and they haven't boon caught In a red light district yet).., Dike Maker, Mark Hark , Mr. Whipple'! daughter, and
Staving doubt.
Dullness stall
Rancid, yes she Is my lister; and Mossy Dorothy
EDITORS NOTE) HI again, No, I won't tell you whore the Campus Mute's offices are located because I roally don't
want to hoar from you, so don't bother looking. I govern all decisions made on this paper, until today that Is, whence I shall abdicate
In favor of that wonderful guy with the cuts (but not us cute as mine) lags. Oh, and by the way, the opinions voiced In the columns,
features and editorials are all mine. Thank you for your attention! PS don't try to call ui, our number li not lilted.
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PROVING NECROPHILIACS CAN ENJOY S/M, is Professor
Whipsore of Carnal College. Here, disguised as Richard
Nixon, she tries to inflict pain on a five year old corpse.
(I told you, I'll toll you later)

• 33 C
i'n oj d shir ts 4 bananas
Bloomsburg
received
national acclaim from a well
known men 's entertainment
magazine over spring break
this year. BSC students performed well in a variety of fun
and games in Fort Lauderdale.
A reliable source tells us that
Bloomsburg finished high in the
rankings in such contests as
beer chugging, wet T-shirt
filling, and another game

similar to baseball, played by
two people, in which the object
is to score as quickly as
possible.
BSC President Uncle Jimmy
said, '"I'm proud that our
students make a name for
Bloomsburg wherever they go.
This kind of news has made us
better known than any press
release we've gotten out of the
Public Relations office ."

THAT'S ALL FOLKS, (thank buddha)