1 ' V . • d® d^ 1 ' ll ' ii Hi iiiiiiii ni ii i In lii iiil iiiiM«iii.. iiii' ' ' I' III M I I 'III 'V I ; n ' '' l ' !' i iiiiiiMi iii Miiiii ii ' i 1 EDITORIAL NOTE: HI, Tho •dltor dccldirt' to crock down and only print oil and/or any nows that's lit to print. Thank You, /¦ v,.- ./vv , ,Y ' ttw odltor | I v Title IX bug infects sports $$ "Hey, con you tell that I 'm modest , definately not a ham,and hate to have my picture taken?" A camera hog? Who ,me?? I I 1 I 1 I | 1 SUPPORT BSC i | ATHLETICS J •WEAR A JOCK i I TODAY! \ i i i i i i i i i i I r M M HW M Wl In a frenzy caused by a disease called "Title IX,'~ the gadget committee of CGA decided to rearrange the budget submitted by athletic director SeeSaw Turtleville. The committee decided that the only way to allocate the money fairly was to split the $56,000 evenly among all the teams. The football team who was to receive $21,000, was reportedly upset with the move, which will result in the cancellation of the team's order for maroon and gold leisure suits. The suits were included in the budget so that the team would look spiffy on their road trips next season. The women 's swimming coach stated that with the additional money for her team, the women will be able to stop using old stockings as bathing caps, and instead, purchase the white ones that the other teams use. The decision was a severe blow to the track team , which will have to reduce the number of men on the team to 213 instead of the 240 who now participate. "We can only have as many men as we have sneakers for , and because of the cut we won't be able to buy sneaks for all the team's members," said the track coach. The women's track team, which already has more coaches than they can handle, said that they will use the additional money to purchase wax for the batons so that the relay teams can have smooth handoffs. Baseball team relocates in Fla The Bloomsburg baseball team will be making its final appearance on the BSC campus next week. After this season, the team will play all their games in Florida. Rumors of the move have been circulating since spring break, at which time the team was in the Sunshine State for the pre-season training. The team reportedly performs very well down there, but the jet lag and climate change, which the men suffer when tJiey? return to Bloomsburg, has an unfortunate affect on them. Saul Poke-um. the BSC A BSC student who was caught by the camera at Nelson Field House blowing her nose in the pool. This habit has become a chronic problem ,and the pool's caretakers are asking everyone to please refrain from following this coed's example,especially since this is hayfever season, and the filter gets clogged easily. Lacrosse mascot chosmn trainer, described the symptoms of their difficulty for a Campus Noise reporter. "Welllll, it starts with dis thing down here," said Poke-um pointing to his ankle. "It swells up, so that it's difficult to run the bases. Then the fingers refuse to bend, so that the ball hits the glove and bounces off. The final stages are similar to rigor mortis, and the players look too dead to move." "Besides, the players have so much fun selling oranges and grapefruit that they have lost their interest in playing ball," added the coach. "*$%&'%$* freokin' boll off of me, darn it I Who the heck kicked It anyway?" A skilled Bloomsburg player demonstrates how to use his head. He has since been committed to Danville State, having suffered severe mental damage from the blow I Mr. Teenage Pennsylvania, who reportedly was a fan of the BSC women's lacrosse team on their recent stay in Kutztown, has been officially named as the team's mascot. The decision was made when the members of the team took a vote following their 35-0 routing of Penn State. Mr. Pennsylvania won by a slim margin, barely beating out the guy in the brown sweat suit and the members of the U.S. bowling touring team. Womenplay for money A BSC gymnast demonstrates how to run to the end of the balance beam • and then keep running , even though the balance beam quits. This girl had not quite perfected the technique, but only suffered a broken nose In th« landing. The BSC women's tennis team, coached by Dr. Sherbet , to turn has decided professional. The women not only shut out every team on theinppring schedule, but they even sent Burt Peanut Butter Cup's tennis class to one match because the women knew that the competition was below them. Dr. Sherbet, a teacher of biology, said that his women's netters all have exceptional , ' .. ' , ' ' , ' . ' .'' ;' ' . ' ;¦ '.' . '::; ::;;;::' genes. "Can you smell that? It's sbj strange I Every time I lift my arms this foul odor arises. Phew-lft wlekeil l" rj , r. Guess ivho's playing? Guess what group is coming to BSC? You'll never be able to guess in a million years. I bet you all the bananas in South America you can 't. Well I guess I will just tell ya then. Okay, now hold on tight this is a big big name, I mean a really grea t group. They have all the hits. Everyone loves them. I was talking to a few of my friends and they just love them. I asked Petrina about her opinion . I said, "Hey Petrina , how about your opinion?" She said , "Far-out , freaky and funky, man. " Oh yeah and the Concert Committee is real pysched. They think this will be better than a group from Berwick. So you better go and see this fantastic group. I still can 't believe they are coming ! Nuclear effect seen SO THIS IS WHERE THEY ARE ! If you've ever wondered where they put the male residents of Elwell after the girls moved in, stop guessing. In an exclusive Campus Voice photo, we've caught someone's father visiting his son in his new abode. (Who cares who took the picture) Love letters in the sand TO THE EDITOR : EILEEN, Eileen, why are you leaving us! We will all miss your bright shiny face and nice..eyes. Please come back ! Besides, you don 't really expect Peffley to take your place, do you? His legs are too skinny. You've helped us so much this semester. Now we can all go to the bathroom by ourselves ! But, of course, we understand. You'd rather go off and teach some strange, unknown seventh graders the sociological implications of grammar than to show us how to rite. Once again , won't you stay? We 'll even pay you—in monthly installments beginning May, 1989. Sincerely, the staff TO THE EDITOR : I would like to reply to the above letter. My legs are not too skinny to take Eileen's place. I think they 're just right. Besides, my sparkling personality compensates for my legs. And no. * vvon t shave them for next yeai . Sincerely, Peffley TO THE EDITOR : I would like to say that I thought Eileen has been one of the best editors I've seen. For one, she really knows how to write her name! Secondly, she has good connections. And besides, she has the best legs I've seen in a long time. So, here's a goodbye kiss to the most beautiful editor the yearbook has ever had. Sincerely, Anonymous TO THE EDITOR: I'd just like to say that my legs were not the reason I was editor for this year. I have nice eyes too. Oh well, if you've got it, flaunt it. „ Besides, I always wanted to find out if an editor can write a letter to the editor. I guess it is possible. Too bad 1 didn't know greetings, considering all ot the factors involved with the present problems with the cold shutdown of the Three Mile Island nuclear project it should be noted that a majority of Pennsylvanians cannot say the word 'nuclear'. it appears that Pennsylvanians have a bsorbed enough radiation to damage their thought and speaking capabilities, the frequent pronunciation of 'nuclear' is (nue-cue-lar) and not the standard (nue-cle-r). Pennsylvania's Governor ThornbL'd has requested the Congress of the United States to send speech pathologists, and the assorted lot, that can aid in returning the proper spoken pronounciation. the Governor also feels that continued leaking of radiation may attribute to other speech and thought process breakdowns, namely, the present surge in anti-nuclear sentiments. Students to be replaced that sooner. Sincerely, Eileen TO THE EDITOR : I'm really frustrated and confused ! I have been talking to teachers and advisors all year and no one will listen to me. Maybe the students of BSC will. BSC students, listen to me! Wouldn't you like to have a belt of your favorite booze between classes? I mean wouldn't a shot of Jack Daniel or Jelly Bean really hit the spot during the day? Really cool, eh? I think so too. That's why I think or rather I demand that the Union serve drinks. I mean just a little bar on the side with the basics. No fancy stuff. Just think of all the tension the students can release with a few belts of vodka. I think it's a real funky idea . So, man , if you want to have a real cool bar in the Kehr Union , start talking. I mean man it's up to you! THEY MAY BE PINK , BUT THEY KNOW HOW TO PARTY I This is the group shot of the now members of that fastly growing fraternity T.O.N.G.U.E. Their motto is, besides being soft and cuddly we're also on the deans list. (I told you,.w© don't car©I) and so yet another semester has ended and with it so ends the existence of four year veterans at BSC. the situation is normal and requires little attention beyond the fact that applications for replacement students are now available. those who have endured the four year stay at BSC should be g i v e n s p e c i a l acknowledgements, over and beyond the usual degree, the typical four year student has lived through madness of every ariM am w 'sj saa uorjeuuo.ju i oqi ?B suowsod JUBDBA oifl aoj &\ddv ABUI 9DU31SIX8 jo paepuej s poamboa pus o^BudoaddB aifl isui 9ABq AV4} I33J OUM. OSOlfl 'OS PUB •ojH-lBoa ssoupBui ps^JossB poainbaa JOJ airj irjiA\ omi o;ui ssssoooad rejuottr oq{ poddpAap ""ssou -pBUI OIUiapBDB p^JOSSB pUB soipms ponurjuoo renpiAipui oq} uo SSOJIS oiqipoaoui iqgnojM. oouojsixo snduiBD uo sqi SJB8A" A"UB8 Oq* UI }0] PUB }JOS ONE OF THE STUDENT NURSES GIVING MOUTH TO MOUTH RESUSCITATION? No, seriously, this is one gal who proves that the greeks know which end is up. (Onco again, who care*?) Men 's brief s PUTRID UNIVERSITY Next Tuesday at PU , professor Does E. Smell will present the annual commencement speech. His topic considers "The Olfactory Senses and How they Can Be Ignored."The speech is open and free to the public, if they can stand it. CARNA$|COLLEGE Professor Ingrid Whipsore, $f the S and M department, will conduct a survey which will try to prove that necrophiliacs can inflict pain on their partner. All interested body-snatchers or corpse-carriers are invited to attend Whipsore's preliminary meeting next Wednesday. STUPID STATE The SS concert committee will present , partially live, Nasty Neddy and the Nits, world-renown idiot band. The group, who is free to any one with plenty of pity, will perform their world-favorite hits ' How Do You Turn On the Microphone", "I'm So Scared I Wet My Pants", and "The Stork Didn't Bring Us, We Were Hatched." *¦ SOMNABULISM SEMINARY Father Yawn will conduct the first annual yawn marathon next weekend. All students are urged to register for the contest, in which various Seminary instructors will present their most boring lecture to an auditorium of students. Of course, the shortest yawn wins (unless the participant is dead). OUR LADY OF INDIGESTION „ The annual Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz will be conducted by Mother Belch next Friday. At that time, all student gas will be tapped and) ^ sent to President Carter in the school's efforts to conserve energy, j ' I Won't he be surprised. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? If you can guess, you've won (what , we don't know). If you know what this is, please come to the Mute office and pick it up. It's parked over time in the executive's chair. (OK, I'll tell you who took the picture later) For those who haven't noticed, this Is a blank hole on the page. We usually have lots of these , but we usually fill them up. Today we didn't. i THE CAMPUS MUTE Exasperated Editor.... Loenoywoonoychlllyboany, Chlof John Paul III Busy man Choitor Harrasmont Chlof Solicitor Crude editors... Mark Twain's slstor , Bert Clemens and Damn It, you lack tact Featuring tho othor editors... Poff (not Clark Kent) and his sldoklck Sour Krauss Advisor Bad sports Ylng Yang Elllo and Tho Rath Crappy editors Both l and Beth II , Polaroid person Aardvarlc Work Consolation spot Barbaric Pagan Circulating men.... Tim, tho brother of Annie, Hall end Paul Hadbublollgooan Sir Richard tho Savage ' Reportori: Cynthia Peekaboo , and some others but they aren't horo right now , so they aren't going to bo listed. Polaroid Persons) Mickey Roonoy's ion, Corald; Aaron, not Arrow; Paul Itch; M.E. Hero; Larry Darkroomlackoy; Harry Brown; , Lament Vain; Tom Yields, ' Soliciting folkf (and they haven't boon caught In a red light district yet).., Dike Maker, Mark Hark , Mr. Whipple'! daughter, and Staving doubt. Dullness stall Rancid, yes she Is my lister; and Mossy Dorothy EDITORS NOTE) HI again, No, I won't tell you whore the Campus Mute's offices are located because I roally don't want to hoar from you, so don't bother looking. I govern all decisions made on this paper, until today that Is, whence I shall abdicate In favor of that wonderful guy with the cuts (but not us cute as mine) lags. Oh, and by the way, the opinions voiced In the columns, features and editorials are all mine. Thank you for your attention! PS don't try to call ui, our number li not lilted. .i nn ,J| 1 , ' " ¦—*»*^w * 2L!!!llLLJllL~~~llL—~IL—^L-L-i—-U^J L . —^— " "L..1 ' .' ' . ' ' ' " ' PROVING NECROPHILIACS CAN ENJOY S/M, is Professor Whipsore of Carnal College. Here, disguised as Richard Nixon, she tries to inflict pain on a five year old corpse. (I told you, I'll toll you later) • 33 C