A c oustic
pry oblem$

I solved,

The Planning Commission
has just announced that they
are scrapping the Haas
auditorium
renovation
proposal They've come up with
acoustic
a solution to "the
;' ' ; : ; ; :'
''^: \\ ;'- ' ^$ .
problem. / ¦ ¦ '.' .
Haas auditorium will be torn
down and in its place will be
built ah economical open air
theater using only open air. It
reduces the problem of seating
arrangements and no smoking
restrictions. For rest room
facilities, Job Johnny's will be
placed at strategic places
around the theatre.
To tackle the acoustics that
have long been a problem for
the old Haas, the sigh language
group Image will be retained to
perform at all functions. You
can bee bop to the upbeat swing
of the Image movement.
The heating problem created
by such a theatre has yet to be
solved but for now is being
overlooked, Prof. Fletcher., has
also voiced some concern as to
where to plug in his microphone
and if he will have to learn sign
language for '' his Biology I
lectures.;.,
Students Have expressed
enthusiasm for the new theater,
especially those taking Bio.. I.
They feel they will be able to
understand the lectures much
better. '
The commission has sighted
Carver Hall as its next
acoustics improvement project.
For those of you who admire the
fine architecture of Carver we
advise that you take your last
look, before it falls into the
hands of the Planning Commission;

(^ttin |^

exams

New alternatives to final
exams have been proposed at
Bloomsburg since the ones
presently^ practiced have not
been effective. Students now
have the opportunity to choose
exactly what type of final they
prefer to take, depending upon
the course and the instructor
involved. ;
One of the alternative finals is
sexual favors to pass exams
( this is usually most useful to
attractive females or macho
males), and this alternative
comes with the option of bootlicking, brown-nosing, , or any

other functional service to a
prof essors anatomy ( useful for
so-called friends of profs).
Also included in BSC's
alternatives to finals are popfinals and bribes. Pop-finals
may be given at any time or any
place including the Scranton
Commons, Hess's Tavern, a
student's dorm room, or in a
classroom. The second alternative, bribes include grading
papers, baking cookies, giving
presents, inviting faculty
members over for drinks, and
doing laundry. ( Sorry students
don't do windows) .

Additionally, finals will be
given in the dark to accommodate night school
students.
BSC is the first school in the
country to have alternative
finals and it may just get
Bloomsburg on the map for
something besides Anita
Bryant, Gays and a fair.
It should be noted that BSC
students have claimed the
Christmas song, "I'll be home
for Christmas, Maybe," as their
theme song due to the late date
on which final exams end. Film
'" . * ' .
at 11. '

by THE CHIEF
In response to the appeal
from the town mismanager of
Bloomsburg, CGA has granted
a yearly stipend to hasten the
purchase of an aerial ladder fire
truck.
r
"The town needs the truck
more than the college," the
town official explained at a
recent
CGA
meeting.
"However," he commented,
"they insist that the college
students should pay for part of
the truck."

The town official explained
that he did not mean that the
truck would actually come in
pieces. To clarify his sentence,
he said that the truck costs a lot
of money and the town refuses
to pay for all of it.
"If students make a good will
effort, maybe the town will
actually purchase the much
needed rescue equipment in a
year or two. "
After much debate; CGA
members voted Id pay the town
to purchase the truck. However,

the problem of what to do in
case a fire breaks out before the
truck is purchased arose.
The problem quickly solved
when Surdovale reminded CGA
what a Trustee of the college
suggested: ''Hang some chains
from the roofs of the buildings,
if there is.a fire, students can
just swing down the sides. "

p a yingf o rtruck
Students

The town official thanked the
students for their assistance
and rushed off to the BSC office
to enlist higher aid.

Shuutlebus of f and running

The proposed shuttlebus plan,
which was passed last October,
will finally be put into effect in
February.
The buses will pick students
up for classes on Mondays at the
Susquehanna Valley Mall and
return them on Friday afternoons. . It will also pick
students up at the 6th Street Car

Wash, making a stop tin the way
to campus for faculty members
who frequent the Good Old
Days.
Students who protested the
original route wasted their
time, according to Frank
Baloney and Andy Capillary,
head of the route protest group.
"We demanded a different

route, this is what we got," they
explained.
"I think the new route is
terrific ," said John the
Bellringer, housing director at
BSC. Think of all the open
spaces between here and the
SVM, cheap housing may be
available."

Hi! I'm Jose' Surdovalh I'm
the president of CGA, the
ca m p u s
government
association here at BSC. You've
probably seen me around
campus often. I cut quite a
dashing figure don't I?
Anyway, the reason I'm
addressing you on such a
personal-level is because I feel
that there is a gap between you
(my constituarits) and me. This
is one of the reasons I'm having
an open house at my apartment,
and everyone on campus is
invited.
/
My
underlying reason
however, (I am a politician,
what did you expect?) is to
spring something really big. No,
I'm not running for governor.
But my good friend David
Millard is! Although David was
massacred in his bid .for state
representative, he feels that
he's in touch with the students
and would like to hear some of
your views. In my own opinion,
he knows as much about politics
as those already in office. He
also likes commons food.
My wife Debbie will be your
congenial host, and of course
David and I think it would be
really terrific if ya all could
come. See yous .at my place

vvB&vxmwm wm
Season's
Greetings
See you next semester (

»:*_«. *L:£*J.**.:£»*. tow'.t**.few:

Rotten
concert
by IRVING THE MUSICAL
The Concert Committee has
done it again. They blew
another big deal with a No. 1
group (we won't say who but it
begins,with Led and ends with
Zepplih) but they have another
group planned to play in their
place. . ' The
Nick-Nings

LUZERNE HALL r«c»ntly drew pralw from BSC pr««)d*nt
Jam#t McCormick and oth«r administrative staff personnel
at Its' opan housa lor being on* of tha cfoanast, most ardaHy
and wall kopt dorms on campus. Lot's saa what's behind
mis rantomly chosen door...

Parly
with
Jose'

Association will play in full figleaf dress in Rm. 410 Schuylkill
on Dec. 25 at 6 a.m. Tickets are
a mere $20 and one must be
dressed in.,white to enter the
pure doors of the music
phenomenon hall.

slated *

"The concert should be gerrate," says Lybch McCarty,
committee chairman , "I can
just see my fellow classmates
now, beebopping to Seek Cows
and my favorite, I Want to
Swing With my Teddy Bear. Oh,
golly, I can't wait!"
Other songs the Nick-Nings
will probably sing, maybe, well
sometimes they do are: The
Fags From Becon Town. Sctll
Me, Punch Me, kill Me, and
Willow's Pillow Dream.
(continued on page two)

' " ?¦' ' ¦
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^i__ ^ &aitariat

Suppor t credit
for experie nce

The Campus Mute has requested funds from
the Community Government Association to expand to five days a week. However , the question
was raised in the urgent meeting as to whether
there was enough news to cover a five day a week
schedule.
Of course. All we have'to do is request 15 credits
from the registrar for work on the Campus Voice.
After all, what better way can the eight editors of
this paper spend their time?
Reading, writing and arithmetic just fade in comparison to the coverage of sports, political action
and in depth feature coverage.
The only obstacle to such coverage right now
is the demand by professors, that we attend classes,
take tests and even write papers !
Not only that , but we are expected to read text
books , novels of all sizes and subject matter and
do research work at the library !
What is more important? On the spot experience
or classroom theory? In these days of job scarcity,
experience will look good on our resumes !
Editorials must have a resolution or suggestion.
So , pay attention ! All you educators , students,
janitors and administrators start sending letters
to the registrar and Dr. Louis Thompson, English
Department supporting "credit for experience."
As Tiny Tim says: God bless you everyone.
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mill^^
cookie time

Guess what we're doing; this
Friday? Having , a. milk and
cookie party at the Newman
House; Admission is admittance
of one's sin since it is illegal to
charge a dollar at the door.
You can have your choice of
milk or bug juice since gorilla is
out of season, and hash
brownies will be served.
The guest list is endless. You
simply sign your name as you
enter. Mystery guests are
welcome.
Entertainment will be
provided by the Madrigal
Singers who will be accompanied by the Bloomsburg
Band.
To elleviate any parking
problems, room will be made in
the basement of the house.
As you enter be prepared to
receive your muzzle. That way
the noise will be kept to a
minimum so that security can
continue to sleep.
God bless you and He'll see
you there!

FINALS TIME AGAIN...while others scurry and scramble
to make passing grades by the end of the semester, others
start early Christmas/New Year's celebration. AS"noted in
the above before and after pictures , all good things do come

to on end.

(Photos by Mark that rhymes with park or dark)

Need help writi ng letters?

by SLIM FLEEPIE
Having trouble with your
correspondences? Don't know
how to phrase that 'Dear John'
letter? At a loss for words?
Don't let a writing block
destroy your relationships.
Letters, Inc. has begun at BSC
to help alleviate this problem.
Begun just a few weeks ago, it
has risen in demand and need.
Bill Schmuckenberg and Gino
Staschak (alias GGTDM)
starred the corporation at the
urging of their fellow roommate
George Hamlet. According to
Schmuck, Hamlet was having
trouble writing a letter several
weeks ago. Schmuck and
GGTDM decided to help out by
writing it for him.
To prove the success of their
corporation , Schmuck announced recently that Hamlet's
letter got him "a date and as of
today a wedding proposal. Schmuck and GGTDM will be
ushers at the services.
The uniqueness and creativity
of?) the letters is evident in the
way they write them. They
alternate sentences between
each other to arrive at a
composition of absolute j diocy.
In fact , most of the thoughts
started by one are not completed by the other, causing an
extreme case of turmoil.
For instance, the following is
an example of their efforts : Hi.
How are you ? I am fine, ( the
writer now turns to Letters,
Inc. ) My dog Ralph just killed
our next door neighbor , (Schmuck, with the emphasis on
melodrama.) How would you
like to sleep with me? (GGTDM, with the emphasis on sex.) If
you don't want to, we can-just
lay there. You do realize, of
course, that I have a previous
engagement on the Gong Show.
My neighbor and I were going to

do a dance routine, but I guess
I'll have to do it with my dog
now. You do realize, of course,
that I do not expect the world of
you, just a part of it. At least,
the top part. Let me remind you
of the question : do you think
masochism is what it's cracked
up to be ...
And so it goes. Believe it or
not, the letters get fast, quick
results with no guilt. The author
of the letter cannot be held
responsible for what Schmuck
and GGTDM write. However,
neither can they. (You figure it
out.)
In an interview with Hamlet ,
the quality of the letters was
stressed. "I'd recommend them
to anybody, but especially
illiterates. The corporation goes
out of their way to serve
illiterates, since they were once
illiterate themselves."
If you think you could use
these services, it is requested
that you send $15.95 to the address below, but hurry, since
the holiday season is aiding in
the booming business of the

So, get your problems out of
the way by having this dynamic
duo writing your letters. They
are exceptionally good with
asking money from parents,
breaking the news of a
pregnancy to a boyfriend, or
telling enemies to get lost ( their
favorite). However, they do not
do resumes.
Send your check now to:
Munchies Fund, c-o Letters,
Inc .' Riverview Apartments
number 5, RD 8, Bloomsburg,
Pa. 17815. Or call and add your
name to their mailing list at 3870346. No collect calls will be
accepted, but they make; exceptions; in the case of heavy
breathers or girls that talk
dirty ;
>:
.

(continued from page one )
The guys are just a groovy
gang, of peachy guys.
Ollie Karpski , lead singer,
brown hair , blue eyes, who
wears numerous rings; nail
polish, panty and a garter, but
only at home, says, "We* thrill
the audience with our bazoos
and spoons bul most of all
everyone loves bur special song
of "busH," That' s when we bust
our balloons of water oil the
audience in symnietry.- Tee hee.

Immediately after I talked to
Ollie, I saw Uncouth Rappawart
and Jiffy Humsuckle walk by
arm-in-arm. Uncouth is the cochairman of the Concert
Committee and Jiffy is
something of some freaky title.
When I asked what they thought
of the concert , Jiffy collapsed
with laughter and Uncouth
sneered
and
screamed ,
"Anything Lynch likes I hate, I
;
hope it flops ." '
( continued on page four)

group. Better yet, send $17.95,
and they will include S&H green
stamps yrith every,; letter: A%
bonus gift is included with every
order "over $35 - - ho%eve¥;"33efr'
muck and GGTDM refused1 to
explain what the gift would be.
"We haven't figured that out
yet," said GGTDM.

Another rotten
concert slated

Kampus K wiz.....

7. The drug problem on campus
is:
a. concentrated in the nurses's office and Bloomsburg
hospital
b. leading to home pharmacies
c. exceptionally high this
year
d. speeding towards the 714
mark
8. The Campus Voice is:
. a. a radical organization
designed to destroy BSC
b. dead from the waist down
r c. hungry
d. going out of business,
come by our rummage sale!
9. A fire in Luzerne is!
a ?. a weekly affair
b. casual wienee roast
c a n arsonist's way of
having fun
10. Ei ieen Callahan is:
a. governess to a bunch of
two-year
olds
.
b. a God-fearing, but warped
person
7 c. in love with William
Falkner
d. a refugee from Danville
State
11. The Rocky Horror Picture
;.•
Show is:
a. daily leftovers at the
commons
~~ b: a true-to-life depiction of
modern college life
c. a promotion by the Rice
Growers of America
12. BSC maintenance workers
¦¦ ¦
are:' ' •/
• " . • ' './,
a. sleeping in the corner
b. overworked and un; derstaffed
c. the campus grapevine
13. The Greek system is:
a. an entertaining topic for

Kamp us
Kwiz

1. Scheduling lines are:
a. Lance McCarty 's way of
a. too short
impressing girls
b. wrapping around the
b. Ruth Rappaport's shot at
equator for the second time
the big time
c. great for meeting people
c. A pharmaceutical com" /.
d. nice if you have nothing to
pany
•
do for 12 hours
d. a bunch of groupies
2. The shuttlebus system will be
called:
5. What should a student do if
a. foul by the cgmmuters
he or she is propositioned by a
who can't use it
professor ?
b. "Who's pushing it"
a. fill out a student
c. off , due to bad ^weather
_:
evaluation ','/
d. Mercer's Express
b. smile; smile, smile *>
3. Erich Frbhman is:
c. look happy and gay
a. a close pal of Bob Altman
d thro^up• "';..' . .•".' /' "
^
b. BSC's ^ayprite professor l;. 6; ^Sidewa^.
^ hiud patches
c. an example of the powertz ¦-y ; '^sepjpr^ting;
y
¦
of tenure . •; '5^;". .';:'; ' - "^ ' :'-:..'; l; b; cpj%ririg grass
4. The Concert Committee ^is: : >^c. walking sideways

CONTRARY TO^POPULAR BELIEF;,,the students at BSC
are kind ona generous^ Here (above pic) they are giving
their friendly paperboy~an early Christmas gift. Unfortunately
(bottom pic) the quarter was not enough to pay off the
debt he incurred when betting on the Eagles-Vikings game.
Consequently, the cute little tyke was severly beaten.
(photos by Mark that rhymes with park and Narc, again)

letters' to the editor
' -„
b. Greek to me c. revival of an ancient
language
.*,d. oneway to get into parties
14. The Registrar's Office is:
a. the slave of a computer
b. lost in the files
c. planning a world overthrow
15. The Olympian is:
a. BSC's version of Playboy,
y b. Zeus' pad
c. Barb Hagan 's first novel
16. The Haas Renovation
Committee is:
a. dancing to the tune of a .
quarter of a million dollars
b. working their way to other
buildings
c. evicting the pigeons from
the roof of Haas

This is:
A. Cordin's spring collection
B. Bizarre
.C. A statue carved by Oscar Myer
,D. Daring, even on Halloween

Father Time
can set his
clock-why
can't BSC?

et
/ ^ l us write the letters that will
^
^
en9u,f y°ur love life
/A #**^JM^\
ifl
g
g
am® s ri
w
h
'*
^
"
/ ^^^%^^^^A
ers
i

Co., Inc.
l ^ M m ^t ^t 4b il Let*
Suite 5
\w Jw Tr F^*** %J\ ^'verview
^ fi * '
X
/ RD 8 , Bloomsburg
¦r ^Ss^ :: ' :
Phone 387-0346
_^S

lc.V. ad stoff ot work..^.;
¦
*y w •

Only eiassy People Read
.,;
the Campus Mute
i

—

—

'¦

'

—¦"—*
*—
—

PE department
holds meetings
¦

At a recent meeting of the
athletic department, which was
held at the Wrestling-Soccer
house, aciross from :Nash;and
AAuiias" the following things
happened.
The football team was voted a
two year vacation , effective
immediately. The reason for
this was sited as follows: ''Since
the football team has spent
eight years (since 1970) trying
to earn a winning season, they
are understandably tired. Their
fatigue is credited in part to the
fact that it takes considerable
time, effort and energy to think
up ways to spend approximately $21,000 and to keep
nine coaches and numerous
student assistants occupied for
a whole season.
. "' .
"Seeing that • this tiring
routine is repeated year after
year, and it's taken eight years
and over $100,000 to get a
winning season, they deserve
some time dff. "
The soccer team was appropriated a box of chalk, so
that coach Lou Ingrown can do
a better job of painting the lines
on the soccer field, since the
regular line painters went on a
lunch break in August and
haven't yet returned. When the
necessity of the appropriation
was questioned, Ingrone stated
that he found white shoe polish
applied with a q-tip rather
inefficient when laying the lines
N
this semester.
The soccer coach also
requested letter-man varsity
sweaters for the members of his
team. He said that since F.
Davie Begood wears one,
everyone wants one. The
request was denied.
The hockey coach, Zoo Klutz
and son, asked that less public
relations work be done for the
team. She stated that it was true
that some of the team members
had been selected for the
eastern regional team, but the
fact that they were only
members of a woman's team,
and therefore less deserving of
attention, should be kept in
mind. The request was granted,
and the chairman added that he
would talk Hose Surdova about
having the hockey team 's
budget reduced from $75 to
$51.39per season. Klutz and son
consented, stating that the
women really didn't need to eat
lunch on away trips anyway.
Cross Country coach Clark
Kent suggested that instead of
having the . Oatmealer Plaza

¦

¦

¦

¦

Committee erect a statue of
bronze husky dog, a statue of
"Fat" - Ekus, the infamous
distance runner, be raised instead. This proposal was also
rejected , but a "Save His
Sneakers" Committee was
established to look into the
possibility of having Eekus'
sneakers bronzed and saved for
posterity.
Women's tennis coach Doctor
Dentist was complemented on
the team picture of the women.
Since the gals looked so good in
a canoe, the tennis team Will be
disbanded and a canoeing team
established in its place. Races
will take place in the tunnel that
runs underground from Carver
to the College Store.
At this time, "super
recruiter" Sandy Beach excused himself since he had to go
to Philadelphia to help the
Phillies recruit Pete Flower.
The Phillies enlisted his help
when they heard about the
amazing job he Ms doing,
recruiting wrestlers on a
nonexistant state school
scholarship budget.'
The meeting was adjourned,
and at that point, a special
demonstration was given by the
750 people who frequent the
house on Saturday nights. After
the demonstration those at the
meeting agreed that "Dancing
on a chair to the beat of the
Village Persons" should be
considered as a possible Phys.
Ed. class.
The meeting was adjourned
at 1:30 a.m. .

fii
¦

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B
ia
a
a

Kl&SSIrfe^^

closed

TTI

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1

„

'

' ¦• _ _ .

jwsa^a^^.i^ys.
;^^^

SWIMMERS who refuse to
stop drinking the pool water
add to the water shortage. -

Rotten
concert
(continued from page two)

Othej* members
of the committee, Tiby Void,
Reghan Somebody or other and
Beanie Snause, weren't around
for
comments. Advisor,
Qualuades Montage, ran away
when I asked her about the
concert when I saw her at
Spars.
Personally, I've seen these
wacko's and they are kind of,
tonish, like "weird." In short
they are an abnormal societal
band of psychosomatic sex
fiends and I love them.
So for kinky, freaky, stretchable music go see the Nick
Nings Association: It's so cool!

Racquetball
hoursadded

Due to popular demand, the
racquetball courts will be open
to students. However, fear not
faculty members. They will be
permitted to have the courts
during the hours of 3 a.m. and 6
a.m., so they won't interfere
with faculty office hours which
are kept at the field house.
According to a reliable
source, students are under the
mistaken impression that they
have a right to play on the
courts. 'However , those who
answer the phones and schedule
the courts agreed to pacify the
students by alloting the above
mentioned hours to the

illIIf f l ( (

vuuVuu

Herb - Superb'B

llluuvA

//////////

House of Fine

fill III iff

¦

P11
Ill Mil 111 '^ 8f Emporium &

>^^^^^^^ ^^^ "This is a drug store,
,
riot a pharmacy "
Phone25S-DRUG

students.
The students seem to be
unaware of the fact that the
courts were built to enhance the
*'young professional" image of
the BSC professors. In addition,
the courts help the professors
stay in shape. Whoever said
looks are no substitute for
brains?

¦vThe Campus Voijc announce the- passing; ; of3its ;¦
^f^Sii
^^a^^
B^^^'
Grand Poobah of the sports 'y
;$jin'c*;:hejeri^^
^^
page^foul Shock. ^The Star'^,1 ^(^
j ^^^W^m ^i
;
as he is^ more con^^
p|JK!&^^^
was forced to graduate after his ^ '^ i^^^^^^y ^rtAk^
nine year career*On the^BSC • who ;recent^ -;a
campus. His b)dj fpt:the position
woman t*> that position, i
of resident. career* student was
SERIOUSLY A:SM < THANKS
denied'Jon the^grouhds that he
FOR ALL YOUR PRICELESS
had too much experience.
CONTRIBUTIONS,~i GOOD
Foul's illustrious^career was
LUCK, AND BEST WISHES!
highlighted this fail when he
FOULS FOOTBALL HANDreceived a complementary
NOTES: Here is a reprinting of
letter commanding his perFoul's most memorable story.
formance ' while covering the
Unfortunately,;, it never made
p 0 w d e r - p u f f f o o t b a 11 the print. So, although outdated,
cheerleader competition. He
, >¦. . ' ¦ . - "¦
here it is. ; . .:r^K' *Satu
was also spotlighted as the all _ ; Ithaca College beat Bloomtime great news writerVat the ^s^rjpStatei25-^
rday aflocal town ra^OvStatio^" with/,^.ternbon in a football igame on
^
his name mentioj rmifema^y ' the ^peri-^c^pusl
Ithaca
times-over the air; ;.;¦' ¦S&\ -'- -£"-. ' lookedgood, We didn't; They are
In addition , the station
2-0, we are 6-i. We. play at
manager let Foul actually read
Shippensburg Saturday.
fhe news over the air. It was
Editor!s Note : Glad to see
reported that he read with
that Foul didn't bore everyone
enthusiasm and excitement.
to death with unimportant
It has been rumored that Foul
details, clever quips and
will receive the award for
wonderful prose like the
perfect attendance from his Ihnercity fellow. j ournalism
Persuasion professor.
students take note!

BSC SOCCER COACH couldn't recruit a goalie so he used
a marionette instead. Note strings attached to arms and legs.

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we smile at everything!

The Campus Mute

Poplar St.
Bloomsburg ,
—I .

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