CGA proposes urination facility tot Tri-Level
By HARRIET F-ltICK
AN D AGATHA FIIAC'K
, CGA has finally found a way
to spend part of the Husky
Contingency Fund and at the
same time fill a great need for
BSC students. At , a recent
meeting, Gilbert Wradley
proposed that $}2,000 should be
spent on the installation of a
designer public , urination
facility in, the tri-level.
An interior decorator has
been selected from a list of over
975 , applications for the job.
Marvin -Leslie Fuji , a noted
expert in porcelain decorating,
feels thai-the tri-level urination
center will be one of the most
decorative on ; the east , coast.
"I have already completed a
similar renovation of a parking
lot at Harvard University ,"
Fuji noted, "but their facility
was not as colorful because they
only used white fixtures. Here

at B-burg the committee has
reached the highest possible
level of creativity when they
chose maroon and gold as their
predominate colors in the trilevel project. "
Wradley feels that the project
is worthwhile . and :that. - the
money will be well spent
because it will help to relieve
some of the problems in the trilevel. It will eliminate the nasty
smell that is now always
present in the vehicle boarding
house and reduce the number of
stains on the walls and floors of
the facility .
Scat McCube, a member of
CGA , responded , "I think this is
the best idea that we had all
year and to think it only took us
two months to come to these
decisions. The toilet will serve
many purposes. Every time
that I go down the steps to the
lower level of the tri-level to get

a CGA vehicle, that horrible
smell, like 20 soiled babies'
diapers that have been sitting
for weeks, floors me."
Trank Balony, another CGA
representative, argued the
opposing side of- the com
troversy. He commented that it
this very expensive toilet is
installed, the whole purpose of
urinating in the tri-level, to save
time, will be ruined . He also
suggested that to cut down on
some of the cost, a job johnny
could be used. However, his
money saving suggestion was
rejected.
The sight of the proposed
facility was decided to be on the
bottom level of the tri-level in
the stairwell, this will give the
students who use the facility
maximum privacy. Student
comment is invited. Send all
comments to the CGA office, top
floor of the union.

CAS bribes H arrisb urg

by JUAN PROPER
The
Commonwealth
Association of Students (CAS )
has announced the launching of
its new : political progra m entitled "Operation Influence." It
is officially described as "a
whole new , more practical
approach to achieving our. goals
through the Pennsylvania
legislature."
At the heart of the program is
its new director, professional
lobbyist Bill '/If Xpu.Can'-i. Beat
'em, Bribe 'em" Bradshaw.
According to Bradshaw, "I
utilized the not so unique
peculiarities of the Pennsylvania government in combination with the widespread
condition, of student apathy to
our advantage in the formulation of my basic strategy."

Simply, Bradshaw says CAS
will require each student to
kick-back 15 percent of his or
her PHEAA grant to his or her
respective home district
legislators. "This plan alone
should generate support for
PHEAA second only, to the
Legislators Pension Fund," he
says. .
Bradshaw also noted he has
begun to contact alumni
associations throughout the
-Commonwealth . in r hopes ._©£
setting up an "Alumni Slush
Fund. " This will be used to
initiate what he calls "special
projects ."
"These projects are important ," Bradshaw says, "a
thousand student boycotts could
not accomplish the job of one
cabin in the Poconos 'with

extras' and a private plane
He says he will also begin full
page newspaper ad campaigns
in major metropolita n papers
proclaiming the essentiality of
higher education to American
morality,
inprosperity,
dividualism and national
security.
Bradshaw's other duty is to
serve as CAS liaison to
legislative offices. He says
have
various
legislators
already begun to>use him as. a
sounding board.
He noted that they are particularly concerned with the
"shameful waste of pa tronage
which goes on in the Pennsylvania State College and
University system. All this
insistance on merit and degrees
(continued on page three)

DON T EAT THIS APPLESAUCE! Here one concerned student tries to warn others , but her
efforts were in vain, since the botulism poisoning claimed 450 victims.
:

!

(Photo by Hills Brothers Groon)

0HiCAMPUS SUD§!k
'

A CAMPUS SUbS^OT^GRAPHEixd^chesa BSC student
in the act. This is a perfect exampl^of why CGA s proposal
is necessary.
(Photo by Ace Photographer Sir Laurence of Harrisburg)

Botulism strikes

•
by
HARRIET FRICK
;
F';- ' ¦' .
- •^•^' :^- :ANi>- ^ -*
AGATHA FRACK
Four-hundred-fifty students
were treated for botulism at
Bloomsburg Hospital after
eating a meal in the Wilkes Barre Commons. The affected
students complained about
severe stomach cramps and
diaherrea. They had to be
transported to the hospital by
Greyhound buses. Hospital
officials reported that the
epidemic was caused by a bad
case of applesauce served to the
students last week.
Dave Stoudter , one of the
victims who ate the applesauce ,
told the campus suds , "i ate the
stuff , it looked like everyday
Commons applesauce, it was
green. Who would have ever
thought that it would be
poisoned. All the food in the
Commons is green, how are we
to tell which is poisoned and
which is not. "
Commons ' officials reported
that they noticed that the cans
of applesauce were all bent and
that some of them were punctured. Stan the Man , general
manager of the cafeteria noted ,
"all the cans that come here
look like that , we didn 't know
they were poisoned either. We
always suspect something, but
we lake our chances. Life is just
one big chance after another .
The population on this campus
exceeds 6,000. If we lose a few
students who will notice. "
Margaret Janice Meade , one
of the fortunate students who
was not affected commented , "I
was lucky. I passed up the green
applesauce for a yellow
brownie. All I had to deal with
•

was some regurgitation. I
realize that I take my life into
rh^h^hds'every tirnel come-in
here, but I have to eat

"The kids were just
dropp ing like flies. "
sometimes. "
Meade also, commented that
she was in ; the . dining rooms
when* the botulism poisoning
started to affect some of the
first victims. She said , "The
kids were j ust dropping like
flies. Some of the employees of
the Commons just started to
yell at them , while they were on
the floor , to stop taking up so
much space."

Staff
memo

I usually don't do this ,
but since it's the holiday
season and all , and the
semester is over , I'd like to
say thanks staff for a job
well done. See you all next
semester.

I

By the way, those rosponslblo for page two will
bo Immediately shot.
...Peff

Campus Suds :

Suzy marries Who?

Time now once again my
friend for this week' s, installment, and a recapitulation
( wow, what a word ! Can you
say that word?) of previous
installments ,
with
a
foreshadowing of future installments of "the Campus
Suds."
Brought to you by your
friendly neighbors at BoxcaV
Tires, where they 'd rather be in
Jamaica.
And now, this, week's chapter ,
"A Case of Libel.V \
We tune in to Jamit and
Bertrude, those adorable but
slightly dowdy news editors of
"Bloomsburg Follies, " who last
week found out they were closer
to each other than they
assumed. AsVit tufr\ed out > tne
couple is actually ; Siamese
twins, who unfortunately were
separated at birth ; one thrown
into treacherous white slavery
and the other ... .bought by a

wealthy Jewish couple in the
Bronx. Luckily, they've been reunited at the newspaper office.
' Meanwhile, Suzy prepares for
her flight to Peru , leaving
behind her office job, also at the
"Follies," and her love - sick
fiance Stevy. Little did she
know what evil awaited her in
the treacherous land of the
South. For there, cloistered
amid the Andes and living with
four Llamas was none other
than one of the fearsome.duo the
Beths. Beth One was busily
planning for the corruption of
Suzy, armed with her red pens
and scotch tape. As Suzy steps
off the plane, Beth One springs
into action with;her accomplice
El Marko, a Latin lover who
would force Suzy. into marriage,
and who, by the way, used to
work at the "Follies" also.
Meanwhile, back in the office,
Jeanie and her .new found
boyfriend, lead singer of "The

PREGNANT
f^

|5T AGAIN?.

j^S Pregnancy Termination
¦
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*
•
9T&J|- \ \ Confidential
Counseling
Q?zJk*
j^^fe • Pregnancy
Testing
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Planned Parenthood
iffx
t t b^-. Bloomsburg, PA
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——

Nouns " rock group and former
criminal , decide to embezzle
the funds of the newspaper and
run off to Toledo. While Bilbo,
the night money counter, attempts to extract himself from
a large stack of bills one night,
Jeanie sneaks in and ties him to
the layout table. Meanwhile,
Beth Two, also with red pens,
runs blindly down Main St.
singing "Hark the Herald
Angels Sing." Deciding to meet
her boyfriend , Davee , the
passionate young artist on the
paper, in the Union, she blindly
bumps into Jeanie as she attempts a run away.
At the other end of town,
Denisovich , loyal editor in
action, finally decides that the
only way out of her seminar
paper is suicide. With tears in
her eyes, she reaches for the
nightstand.
While in the darkroom ,
strange things are going on.
Last week, Albion, trusty staff
member, entered the dark room
and was never seen leaving.
This week, Bwayla hesitantly
goes slowly to the door, ever so
carefully placing his hand on
the door knob and carefully
beginning to slowly ease the
door open.
While at the same time the
Copy sisters, Karrol, Carin and
Elayn accidently run into their
arch enemies the Ad sisters,
Dat, Dot, and Dinda , and begin
an all out rumble in the center
of town. With hair pulling and
much violence, especially for
prime time, the sisters fight on.
When we come back next
week , we'll have Bertrude
eloping with the Circus
brothers, Pale and Dryin', while
Jamit decides on a trip to
England , and Davee and Beth
Two decide to adopt Jeanie's
baby from El Marko and Suzy is
left clinging to a vine high above
the Andes.

WITH THE HELP OF MR. HAND , Mr. Bill filed for his marriage license.

(Photo by Gerard Burkhart of WCSC)

Mr. Bill schedules
"quick "wedding
Mr. Bill, :co-star of "Saturday
Night Live" announced his
wedding plans yesterday to a
crowd of reporters at the Playdo factory .
I really really want to get
married. That's what Miss Sally
keeps telling me," stated Mr.
Bill.
Miss Sally, recent featured
guest on The Mr. Bill Show had
no comment. She claimed she
was already one hour late for'
her appointment with the
pediatrician.
Mr. Bill stated that he plans to
have the wedding in the studio
set of Saturday Night.
"Next Saturday at 11:30 p.m.
everyone will see me in my nice
white suit with Miss Sally by my
side." he said.
The best man for the wedding
will be John Beluchhii. Maid of
honor is Roseanna Danna
Danna.

Zhate\
n" _^^r

d i r ty ¦

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littl e I
iT H I N OS]

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Mr. Sluggo, friend of. the
happy couple was present when
Mr. Bill announced his plans.
"I am so thrilled about all this
wonderful news'. I know Mr. Bill
will make a great father for my
Mr. Sluggo did!not have time
to finish his statement. Miss
Sally had pushed him into the
cab with her toingo to the doctor.
the Play-do
^ Aftenyegy g "went to the
factory^iirFEili
court house to file for bis
wedding. Mr. Hand was "on
hand" to help him with his
filing. Mr. Bill only had one
comment left to make.
"Oh Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...""" he stated.

Goodbye to
Dorm Life
Think back , back to the days
of the dormitory, when the best
and biggest wish of all was to
get an apartment.
Well, I had that wish and it
came true and to my distress.
I now live in my. own apartment , with fou r other, roommates. It might seem fun to live
with four people but how would
you like to live with a Cube? a
Sex-Maniac? a Belcher? ' ahoVa
person who exercises at- all
weird times during, the night? (I
found her one morning exercising diligently to the sounds of
Dean Martin.)
Well, it ain 't easy. You see, I
am the only sane one there.
Everyday when I come home
it is the same old thing. The
cube is sitting there watching
TV ( the same old soap operas)
with a dumb facial mask, on her
lace, while . the exerciser , is in
the other room doing backbond
pushups while screaming "Is
Laura pregnant? Does Scotty
know ? On top of this noise, the
belcher is sitting in the TV room
v.'ith ear phones on her head
listening to ELO' s Mr. ;Blue (I
swear, sometimes it seems ' like
< c0tt.tit)UGjri on page three)

L ettersto theEditor

To the Editor :
dearest,
when are you
Jim ,
going to return the key from the
CGA vehicle you got from me
last week? You know how much
I miss you when you don 't come;
to grace my information' desk ,
Thank God, we've kept this
secret and hot told June. You
know, she has , a crush on you
too. So please,, bring -me back
your key and yourself. I miss
your bright shiny face. •
Love, Catherine Ft.

To the Editor:
m
calling
to complain about
I'
the GAS Boy Cop. Why should
we have .a boy cop? After all ,
the young tykes can't even be
served liquor,; much less have
thei privilege to vote. Boy cops?
And on the campus? Those
college students will . corrupt
him for sure. Besides, don 't we
have enough men cops on our
force. Even if one did rob a
stationary store I don't care
about the tape. Besides, if ...

Goodby e dorm

(continued from page two ) .
we only have one single) while
also screaming off . key to the
song. Last but not least is the
sex-maniac with , her . constant - .
comments and perverted
remarks, "why doesn't; Santa
have any kids?" I really don't
want to know.
Life goes on from there. I'm
sure many of you know ,what ,1.
mean, Well, I do not want'to"
bore you with any more stories.
I just want you to get a jist of
my dilemma of ; my own

¦ ¦
¦
apartment.
' Remember, it isn't all that
fun when all five of you have to
brush your teeth at the same
time in the sink , use the
bathroom at the same time, be
late because one person
oversleeps and ruins the shower
schedule, borrows the clothes
you;, want to :wear, stands in
fr6nt of the mirrow when you
want to see how you look, answers the phone and asks if it is
i
Fred when it is him;.:..

what ... Boycott? Not boy cop?
Signed ,
. OH... Never Mind.
Emily Letilla

^^

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Cheat your way
"^^^^ M^f0W\
^^^^^ My> ^^^ through college
10 million on file - «ny subject from A-Z.

P.O. Box 007

26117

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CIO & under

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QlSddssifiecl
ANNOUNCEMENTS' :*

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" ' ' ' "j >r^l" ' " ""

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: Go to hell!

PERSONALS
TL.adios dilky, see ya ' next year.

-V A

WE'LL MISS YOU Ann Marie,you voluptuous woman,Love The Red House.

' ¦ .' :

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MR-^T^^S
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•SERVICESr FOR SALE S.J M i
USE YOUR imaginatiorf' call2inaspr ^il^j 3

LOST & FOUND: ., \

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LOST:. Anyone Knowing' the whereabouts- of ray luscious stereo,
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please return it unharmed. I miss it. reward offered.
I/ \ /

•Pat the Rat -

LOST: Virginity;if found return to owner - 2302 . -

..

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. ..

\

\! X 1 '•
:

FOUND: 1 million dollars in nickels, dimes and quarters.:,
;/ • •.,. C?ll 7402, you must be^able tb ideiiHty.the,date^n^cjh^
^ ^

WANTED
HEIGHT DONORS, anyone interested or able to spare a few
inches, it would be really appreciated. Contact Tony
- .1st floor North.
WANTED: Scuba gear for RA on 3rd floor Schuylkill. Size XXX Small.

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WANTED: Female Nude Models for Voice version of Girls of S*"
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Bloomsburg. Call Jeff • 3101.
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J¦.it ,'s: Readers. Please

write your
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Send self-addressed stamped envelope to:
LA., Penn.
CHEAT YOURSELF

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.CONGRATULATIONS to M M.. the most Photogenic Canipus
model, on your forthcoming graduation.

( continued from page one )
for professorships has our
legislators concerned and they
are unwilling to give their full
support to our cause.. This is
exactly the sort of thing we can
come to agreement on to insure
apdollar
big
those
propriations."
Already Bradshaw and CAS's
new outlook have caused
positive stirings in Harrisburg.
. According ±o, one ..high-ranking
member : of • the Senate, '/'We
have never been anti-education ,
we are pleased that young
people have come to recognize
the subtly and idiosyncrasies of
our democratic system and I
am confident that they shall
reap the benefits of using
proper governmental channels.

«M««»WMV|HIIIH||V

,

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^

fl^^H^H ^CA*' -t

To the Editor :
i with two rite abowt tha parti
palissy. Whi musth i bee held
risponsbl if peopl cum too mi
parti wid alkohaul? if thay
whant two dwink, thatss ther
peroblm. Besiids, i dpnt got th to
hundrd buks fur th fyn.
Signed ,
rtee
Briated
E.,

f

m^HMMHMHMMW

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To the
Sports Editor:
Why is it everytime we come
in to talk to you about a sports
story, you 're never . there? And
the only person we can talk to is
the skinny one in the office,
Who knows nothing about
sports ? We want our fair share
of coverage too!
Signed,
The Coaches

Use
Gallo

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Jointhe \\f|l
win ning f
leant! -^L 7

Marguireta ,:
photographed model ,
to hide dirty hair , use a;
is shown modeling the quickest way
hat
(Photo by Hillsbrother Green) \

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L———————— ™J

1979 ' SuperSiids'sports awards
1979 SPORTS A W AR DS
It has been called to the attention of the paper that a
certain swimmer was awarded
the "Mr. Everything" award in
his B and P speech class.
Congrats S.W. !
"The IOU award", goes to
any impatient, obnoxious and
unsympathetic coaches who
condemned
the
paper 's
coverage of their sports before
finding out the whole story.
"The . largest and most
heavily recruited intramural
team award" — you know who
you are.
"The most outrageous play of
the year award" goes to the

unidentified Husky who accepted safety after receiving
the kickoff on the two-yard line.
"The craziest practice time"
goes to the baseball tea m and
its-.w«^w^r/A'raatsw;::-'W««Maw'midnight workouts.
¦- -¦
¦¦ -v.v.w<, -."

"The
invitation
never
received award" goes to the
super soccer team.
; "The unsung heroes award"
goes to the bruised and battered
Husky quarterbacks.

Gifts fro m
Santa to...
GIFTS FROM SANTA
To Mary Gardner — 5 free
infant swim lessons...
To Kurt Pettis — 1 can of
ravioli to throw in the Commons
in remembrance of those good
old freshman days...
To the field hockey team — a
new field located/in the vicinity
of Town Pafk7'just in case...
To Coach Puhl — a new
football team...
To the football team — a new
coach...
To Charlie Cronister — ah
experienced senior...
To Bill Snyder — a crying
towel for the poor performance
this,year... . t . _ _ ;
To thei "concerned intfarhiiriil
participant" — a "date" with
the intramural reporter who is
6'2", and holds a black belt in
karate...
To the soccer and tennis
teams
—
sincere
congratulations for jobs well
done...
To Clark Bpler — 100 boxes of
Florida ., oranges'..':1
To Coach Hinlile; ^ ''an AllAmerican high jumper to
replace you-know-who...
To the lacrosse team — a
longer season...
To the women's basketball
team — equal court time...
To the Softball team — an
extended vacation at the
beach...
It has been announced that
the three coaches of the hockey
team have been named to the
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading
squad. It seems that they were
spotted in their "nifty gold
outfits " by a Dallas talent
scout...
The name of the oppontent
for
nex season 's
homecoming
footbal l g am e has
been
released. The Huskies will
me Shamokin Indaihs ... host
The Campus Suds , because of
its extensive sports coverage
this semester, has received a
journalism award from the
National
Sports
Writers
Society. All one reporter from
the Suds was ,on hand to accept
the award...
• «

I'VE HEARD OF "PIG-HEADED" PEOPLE , BUT...Yup, this
ardent football Can is wearing a pigskin on his head...never
knew how useful footballs were did you?

\~~

MAKING MRS. R. PROUD — Displaying excellent fencing
style, these four girls are ready to bout with the best !
^
—M—1——

Wanted

A FEW GOOD HUSKIES FOR SLAVE
LABOR FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS.

C TO R
•First , Navy CTOR gives you two years of
"swab that deck" and "tote that barge and ball/'
•Second , after two years labor , we'll promote
you to third class slave .
•Add Navy CTOR to your schedule and
"see the world" as only a slave can.
•These plus many more...

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"We still kill them like we used to."

NA VY CTOR .