Spawning Pool Poetry Chapbook: 2 Am Thoughts Spring 2020 Shippensburg University 1 /or 2 SpawningPool is a literary arts chapbook published at Shippensburg University by a small and dedicated team of undergraduate students. It is composed of poetry pieces submitted by undergraduate students of the university. SpawningPool accepts rolling submissions throughout the year, and we publish our chapbook every Spring semester. SpawningPool is a publication of ​The Reflector​, which also accepts submissions year-round, and is compiled each Fall semester. Contact us: Submissions and inquiries: reflect@ship.edu SpawningPool Poetry Chapbook, Spring 2020 Text Set in Playfair Display Printed by Shippensburg University Layout by Emily Fitzgerald, Kaitlyn Johnson, and Veronica Ponti Cover Design and Photo by Veronica Ponti 3 Poetry Editor: Emily Fitzgerald Assistant Poetry Editors: Kaitlyn Johnson Veronica Ponti Committee Members: April Petesch Ernest Fraizer Autumn Jones Rachelle Renninger Emily Hummel Bailey Milnik Haley Bennett 4 Table of Contents 2:00 AM...​Ryan Sholley 7 2:01 AM...​Abigail Long 9 A Feeling...​Caity Holland ​10 ah-huh...​Kimberly Johnson Creamy Dreams...​Anonymous ​11 ​12 Dearest Daughter...​Abigail Kauffman 14 Dreaming an Ex Friend’s Suicide...​Anonymous 15 Even After You’ve Gone, You’re Still Here...​Rachelle Renninger 17 Evidence...​Kimberly Johnson 19 Fear of Predation...​Robert Greenberg 20 Found...​Abigail Long 21 Glass skin. Steel Bones...​Cooper Shirey 22 I Dream About You (Epilogue)...​Anonymous 24 I Knew...​Taryn Good 26 Intraloper...​Cooper Shirey 27 Locker Room Talk (Part II)...​Robert Greenberg 29 Love Poem #48...​Andrea Kling 30 Love Poem #49 (Control)...​Andrea Kling 33 My Dream of Being The Perfect Daughter: A Confession...​Megan Gelsinger 35 Poem 1...​Kelsey Dunkle 37 Poem 2...​Kelsey Dunkle 38 Quenched...​Cooper Shirey 40 Serenadin’ Early Mornin’...​Kimberly Johnson 42 The Line Is Busy… ​Brooke Powell 43 This Is About You...​Anonymous 44 This Little Bubble of Mine...​Rachelle Renninger 45 Tied...​Yuliani Sutedjo 47 Timestamp 2:43 am...​Haley Bennett 50 5 Trying...​Rachelle Renninger 52 Two Days...​Bruce Washington 53 Unrequited Love...​April Petesch 54 Untitled, “Dream One”...​Cassandra Smith 56 Why Me?...​Caitlyn Harris 57 Eyes...​Haley Bennett 58 trying to say goodbye...​Rachelle Renninger 59 6 2:00 AM Ryan Sholley Why is it that the dark thoughts always come in the middle of the night? 2 a.m. doubts and fears lit by the moonlight. Maker’s Mark numbs the pain for it to return again by the second glass. Cigarette burning in my ashtray. Crying over things I can’t change. Giving myself headaches that can’t be cured with Motrin alone And I can’t try to sleep I can’t focus on anything but the blank wall in front of me. Getting dizzy but is it from the liquor or my brain giving me optical illusions? I could open a bible, but the words never help. Jesus can’t save me, and I can’t save myself. Walls closing in and I’m begging for help. Gasping for air. Lungs deflate like balloons the day after a birthday party. Because the depression hits the hardest right after a manic high. A celebration of life turns to a wake in my mind and I’m awake all the time because the thoughts don’t stop A race to infinity with no finish line. They run until they collapse 7 and my mind goes empty. This can’t be healthy but 2 a.m. doesn’t give a shit about my wellbeing. 8 2:01 AM Abigail Long The room went dark And you suddenly became a stranger One that captured my attention And left me begging for more As we laid there I could no longer read your mind Or discover your thoughts In the way I used to I couldn’t help but wonder If you were thinking the same about me Did you want to know more? Was I a stranger too? 9 A Feeling Caity Holland Is feeling a feeling the only way to understand it Or is it possible to understand without the feeling How does anyone know what to feel And how to feel If they do not understand it first And what about the feelings that are unwanted What do we do with those Take love for an example How do we know when it's real And when it's only half real Is a crush a prerequisite to love Or is it the other way around Does anyone know? 10 ah-huh Kim Johnson Why am I at Walmart at 2 a.m., Wandering aimlessly down the aisles. What am I looking for? I can’t remember. Turning the cart to wander down another aisle of useless objects. What did I come here for? I woke up at 1 a.m. in a panic knowing I needed something. Once again, I turn the cart staring at cakes. Now I remember, it makes my heart ache. My son’s birthday is today and I forgot. He just turned eight or maybe seven It’s 2 a.m. I forgot again. 11 Creamy Dreams Anonymous I sprawl them out neatly in a circle One by one I twirl you around in the sea of cream Not too long, for you would crumble But just enough to soften your shell Lightly place you between my teeth Where I invite you into my mouth Now full of a double stuffed surprise As I chew and chew, My heart beat soars My throat​ ​hmmmmms Sliding down further Licking my teeth for just one more taste And…. And…. …..I’ve swallowed. Thank you, you orgasm wrapped in plastic. That was a damn good Oreo. Colorfully packaged, Blue, white, black, yellow, pink, 12 Crinkles at my touch Waking everyone to my 2am shame Revealing your crispy cookie and creamy center, I’ve grabbed way more than any normal person But I still whisk you all away to my room For another girl’s night in. 13 Dearest Daughter Abigail Kauffman My Dearest Daughter So young and vibrant Diminished by the passing of time. Oh how I wish you were still little So that I may hold you tight And protect you from the foul creatures That lurk in the dead of the night. Oh Dearest Daughter How I wish you had stayed Swaddled in a blanket Instead of wandering the streets. You blame me, but it is You who left To clean up the aftermath of your outburst And all I wanted you to do was to stay in your youth. Is that so hard, Dearest Daughter of mine? 14 Dreaming an Ex Friend’s Suicide Anonymous The grief rattles out in sobs and ugly wheezing but somehow without tears. I can’t catch my breath. My lungs fill and deflate without relief, panicked. Hands rub my back or clasp my fingers, but no one has the words. I know what lies at the end of the car ride and the stopping to puke: a casket and painted skin. I don’t know why he did it. I never tried to know why he did it. It wasn’t my job to know why he did it. But someone should’ve been there. Even if that someone was me and after years of not speaking, my being there made no sense. I had his trust when we let go. Confessions come with responsibility, goodbyes with absolution. I thought. The crying won’t stop. Sucking air stops nothing. I can’t breathe. 15 Stop. Wake up. Senses settle into the soft sheets and the dark room. My phone. I squint at the blue light, relief at no notifications, but still… Tap out a text: ​are you ok? Stop. Go back to sleep instead of pressing send. 16 even after you’ve gone, you’re still here Rachelle Renninger i miss you and not because i loved you, because what we had wasn’t love i miss you because you were my first kiss and i can never get that back i miss you because you stole away part of my innocence and i am fragile now because of it i miss you because of the fantasies of fairytale romances that you ruined and i can no longer believe in anymore i miss you because of the secrets i told you that you used against me and now i’m scared of trusting anyone 17 i miss you because of the way i thought i could love you but now i know that that kind of love doesn’t exist and i wish i could stop 18 Evidence Kim Johnson Death and Destructions, the EMT said at 2 a.m. Fragmented bones, glass scattered, trash cans turned upside down. The race from death, swindled from life. Death and Destruction, the officer said. Scraps of clothes, beer cans, evidence of a broken life. 19 Fear of Predation Robert Greenberg I could say he has feelers, that scales slip off beneath his cloak, A horrible mass of flesh is revealed beneath. I could say his throat overflows with smoke, And that bile drips from his disguise, A stench of brimstone seeps from the pits of his sunken eyes, But none of this is true. He is but a man following you. 20 Found Abigail Long A room silently accompanied By the faint smell of cigarettes Filled with one too many Broken souls Consumed by laughter That fades once the doors close But when I see her The nonsense is dimmed Overwhelming calmness Slows the beat of my heart Placing meaning behind my smile And our souls become one 21 Glass Skin. Steel Bones. Cooper Shirey He’s got hair like the sand, Eyes like the sea And even in a single moment Lying in his arms, He envelopes you In sun and silk Warmth and safety Memories you buried In your youth And you swear, There’s magic in his touch Runes within his fingertips Incantations on his lips That resurrect A feeling You long thought DeadOr maybe, one you Never knew 22 At all It isn’t long Before you fall But even with A face so sweet Arms so strong And all the magic In the world He does not Catch you 23 I Dream About You (Epilogue) Anonymous And this time it’s my turn to tell you I’ve moved on, actually. I’m seeing someone. You had your chance; you had plenty, actually. And now it’s too late. I’ve moved on, caught up to where I thought you were. Ah, I see now, having woken from the dream, this has very little to do with what I feel for you and everything to do with having someone new who likes loves (lusts?) like you never did, not in any way that matters. 24 I have proof now that someone else can want me, and I can want them back with a confidence you never showed in yourself or brought out in me. I need that thrilling two-way pulse to exist in someone who isn’t you, and maybe that’s not very feminist of me, but damn does it feel good. 25 I Knew Taryn Good I knew him from the first day I knew before the words were spoken. I knew by his hands I knew by the way he held the belt I knew before my little brother spoke the words I knew before I left I knew before I knew him and the way he spoke I knew before my older brother told I knew our abuser I knew him as Dad I now I wish I never known at all 26 Intraloper Cooper Shirey I wish I could’ve met myself The way she met me I wish I could’ve smiled Laughed Felt my head go light My heart flutter I wish it could’ve been me Who found myself In a parked car Closed in From a sky That knew nothing But dark I wish I’d never opened up And seen too far inside I wish I’d never glimpsed 27 The sullen eyes within The void The thing that skitters Here and there As if it were alive, Dark and formless, Wretched, Clawing its way To my heart Through my veins I wish I didn’t have to fear But I already know too much 28 Locker Room Talk (Part II) Robert Greenberg Between you and me I can’t stop thinking about her, the way her hair flows, glows in the sun, how her hips swing as she walks away, ever faster when I’m around. I can’t stop thinking about her slick cunt. I bet it’s soft, I bet it tastes like ice cream. Every time she smiles, I get hungry. She walks the long way home now, I get to watch her longer. I swear, I’ve got rose-colored glasses for that heart-shaped ass. By the time I get home, man, I gotta make ice cream of my own. I can’t wait for Joey’s party Thursday, I’m gonna ice that birthday cake. I even got her a present. 29 Love Poem #48 Andrea Kling when the world is crushing you, do not blame yourself because you cannot stand under the weight. do not believe the world when it tries to tell you the wounds it left will not leave scars, but know they will not make you any less beautiful, they are a testament to the battles you have fought, the hell you have been through and come out alive. You have so many stories of victory to tell, please do not let yourself forget them, do not let yourself forget the strength you carry in your bones, the courage pouring from your fingertips, the love that lives in the corner of your smile. Do not let yourself forget you are worth so much more 30 than what you let the world convince you you are. The last thing you need to be is another chain draped around your own neck; if you cannot lift your head to see in the mirror how beautiful your soul is, you will begin to forget, you will begin to remind yourself only of the ugly things and believe the venom the world spits at you. Do not forget that you deserve so much more than what you have given yourself permission to take, do not believe the world when it tells you there is a price to be paid for your own happiness, the only sacrifice must be made is the death of any notion that you are not good enough. Know that you have always been enough 31 for yourself, it is why you keep fighting, it’s why you refuse to give up, it’s why you refuse to believe the lies the world feeds you. It’s why, even if it seems impossible, you are trying to learn how to love yourself, and even if you aren’t there yet, you are still on your way. Even on the worst of days, you are still on your way. 32 Love Poem #49 (Control) Andrea Kling I have been to counseling enough times to know that this anxiety comes from feeling like my hands are tied, from not having any control over what happens. I have sat through enough sessions to know exactly how to wiggle my way through the labyrinth of my heart straight to the source of this pain, but when I get there, all I do is sit in it until it’s 2am and I’ve wasted all day mourning the happiness that I don’t know how to save. I’ve psychoanalyzed myself so many times that I do it in my sleep; my dreams are strange amalgamations of symbols and metaphors that only reiterate the things I’ve already figured out. 33 They are just reminders that I know what’s broken inside of me but I still can’t seem to fix it. I’ve been to counseling enough times to know that I make a horrible passenger. I always want to be the one in the driver’s seat, the one behind the wheel, ‘cause at least then if this car crashes I won’t be left wondering why ‘cause at least then I will have myself to blame. That’s what I wanted, right? Control? The responsibility of everything that happens? Maybe the blame is just easier to live with that a million “what if’s” and I’m just scared of what will happen if I let go of the wheel, let someone else drive for once. Maybe I’m just scared of not knowing where I’m gonna end up so I’d rather just go nowhere at all. 34 My Dream of Being the Perfect Daughter: A Confession Megan Gelsinger Take the flashing red and blue lights from behind your car, And tuck them in a place where you’ll never find them again. 2 a.m. listen to the officer on the phone with your mother, While sitting in the station Unable to remember why you are there in the first place. Imagine the thoughts running through her head. The only thought running through yours is, You disappointed her once again. She always said, “If you ever get arrested, I’m not bailing you out,” Only to have her pick you up after the call. See the tears as they blur her eyes, She opens her mouth, To speak a line you’ll never forget. 6 a.m. sitting at home, Across from her, 35 Confessing your love for self-sabotage. Look at the disappointment, Splayed across her face, Glazing over her eyes. You’ve become a monster​. Feel the sting of her hand across your cheek For disrespecting her as your mother. But a mother’s love runs deep. Deep enough to bury all of the hurt and pain You have caused her, As if nothing ever happened. 36 Poem 1 Kelsey Dunkle The white cottage stands tall as the sea laps at the skin around my ankles and I think maybe I could die here my body floating gently with the current and the ocean waves or harder yet I could live here Knowing what I do now about the emptiness of my life or even the eternity of my suffering 37 Poem 2 Kelsey Dunkle In the basement, you miss the little things Christmas decorations, the sound of someone else’s voice, the raindrops on your skin I can’t believe I ever used an umbrella In the basement, you don’t have to close your eyes to see the dark There is one light bulb and it breaks often, sometimes taking days for him to notice Those are my favorite days When the light comes back on, it’s almost like maybe I’ve never known light at all In the basement, the slop we’re given is the most exquisite cuisine Sometimes I think about pepper, salt, maybe even garlic powder But my meal is gone almost the second it is set in front of me And you can’t keep thoughts like that on an empty stomach for long In the basement, I think about what I’d be doing if I was free The future used to scare me: veterinarian, lawyer, princess, who knows what I want to be? But when the future switches from a promise to a threat, you don’t take it for granted anymore And, for the record mom, I want to be a teacher In the basement, there are no decorations 38 I miss that ugly photo of us that I used to tear off the wall So unaware of how quickly faces would start to fade Somedays I can’t remember what color flecks you had in your eyes Gold, right? Or maybe they were green In the basement, you start to feel like a prisoner of war The battle I’m facing is in my head, against my reality, against my captor But when he comes, I don’t fight. I don’t do anything It feels like the only place I can be brave anymore is my imagination In the basement, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to tell you The abuse I’ve suffered from, the things that have been done to me Just know I don’t like the color blue anymore Or the sound of my own name In the basement, I think about you. About dad, about my friends, about the dogs. I hope you’re still looking for me. I’m right here, mom. In the basement. 39 Quenched Cooper Shirey I always thought It would stop The orchids flourishing in my veins The little wings I feel inside Every time I see Your smile I thought it would come to an end The clockwork in my aching heart That ever so often fluctuates Away from you, then back Is it a curse, I wonder? To find you in my dreams To wish that we could ever be 40 More than we ever were Or is it just a lesson That I wish I’d never learned We tried to set the world on fire Before we ever burned 41 Serenadin’ Early Mornin’ Kim Johnson Two a.m. on Christmas mornin’ Pop flew out of bed heard a clatter, not Rudolph’s hooves cruising the roof, nor Santa’s ​HO HO HO, flingin’ the window open Pops dismay. Two drunks amongst the tombstones serenadin’ the departed with “Silent Night” full of moon shine passing the jar ‘round “We Three King” being crooned as they stumbled down the street. 42 The Line is Busy Brooke Powell Every time the phone rings at 2 AM, it’s No good Never ends well You wish the phone wasn’t yours Wish the lust wouldn’t call Wish death didn’t know your number Wish the night would forget your name 43 This is about you Anonymous My stomach is pouring and my thoughts are drowning. This impossible thing that we had- I knew it was coming to a close, but I didn’t think I would be so crushed from the consequences. My thoughts are plagued by you, but “plague” sounds so dirty. You could never be something dirty to me. You consume every moment of my day, from wanting to touch your sweet face, to sending you a picture of a bird I saw. I can’t read poetry without hearing your voice in every line, soft and forceful like the words are flowing right through you from inside your very being. Your smile is contagious to the point that I don’t think I could ever stay mad at you when you grin so big and soft. Laughing with you is like a drug and hearing our mixed chuckles in the air is the most potent form. Your eyes when you look down at me that way draw me closer to you- like if I stop looking, I might never see them again. I’ve never been so enraptured with another human before that the toll it takes upon me is so endless. I can’t accept that we aren’t destined for each other. I think you feel this way, too. I feel like you’re the person I have been waiting for all of my life. The one person who gets me in every way. The person who I feel safe with. You are my person. I guess I’m not yours. Maybe in another life, perhaps, we’ll meet again and our love will rekindle itself into the passionate bonfire it’s meant to be. I can wait until then, I suppose. I’ll stare at the stars and think of you. I’ll see you in certain objects and words- the inside jokes we’ve made. I’ll dream of your lips until one day I can taste you again. 44 This Little Bubble of Mine Rachelle Renninger I sit here Swaying with the wind Protected in this little bubble of mine. As the birds each sing, Their own special little song, While the sun kisses my skin. My eyelids begin to flutter close And I’ve almost d i s s a p p e a r e d 45 But then I hear your scream break the night’s silence As he hits you Followed by the splintering sound of glass. His intoxicated words, crashing down Over my little bubble. And it shakes and threatens to pop under the pressure. I want to stay hidden here in my little bubble. 46 Tied Yuliani Sutedjo Tied We are tied By the bond that we’ve created By our differences By our uniqueness By our dreams and goals We are tied To become One One in community One in unity One in love One in kind 47 One in care One in a family One Tied With Two Tied With Three The more the better It become stronger and stronger! Unbreakable Under one mission Serving and helping other success 48 Support enrich and nurture This community Lots need to be said or was said Let’s act.. Together we are stronger! For justice and equity Human right LGBTQ* right Feminism Immigrant goals, dreams, vision, mission and any other issues. Together we are one, tied and stronger. 49 Timestamp 2:43am Haley Bennett What I say: I’m good at prioritizing work. What you hear: I can decide what’s most important and do that first. What I mean: everything is important and so work is the priority. Over sleep and oversleeping Over eating and overeating Overworking over work. Going to bed after 2, waking up at 7, and wow that’s a solid 4 hours! A caffeine routine that leaves headaches on top of fatigue when broken. 50 I do not want to write poetry this late-at-early-in-the night-morning But when else is there? 51 Trying Rachelle Renninger I’m still trying to forget you Not the part where I loved you. Trust me, that part was the first to go. I’m still trying to forget What you did to me, And how you don’t seem to care at all. But I already knew that. Almost 3 years ago, I believed your sugar-coated lies. Despite how those words bruised my skin. But you didn’t care, did you? I know I shouldn’t let it keep up at night Because I know its dangerously unhealthy. But how is it fair, That I’m the one stuck with the scars And bad memories? 52 Two Days Bruce Washington A day in our two And all I can do In a day I do And all I can do In a day I do A day in our two In a day I do And all I can do A day in our two A day in our two And all I can do In a day I do 53 Unrequited Love April Petesch I didn’t eat again today, And my body had little say, I didn’t sleep again last night, And my body didn’t put up a fight, Sure, my eyelids were drooping, And my back was stooping, But when I closed my eyes, My body was there for me, The knife has sliced my body again, My body does little to complain, Sure, my body aches and bleeds, But it does the repairs compliantly, No bandages needed for a bullet hole, My heart clots the blood just fine, A sick brain and a healthy body, Is the biggest contradiction I am, 54 Because I simultaneously destroying myself, As my body picks up and mends the broken pieces, My body is doing everything it can, On a such a cellular and microscopic level, And all my brain wants to do is beat it, Break it, And destroy it. My brain does not love my body as it should, Not believing in yourself, Not appreciating yourself, Not loving yourself, That’s unrequited love too. 55 Untitled, “Dream One” Cassandra Smith Dream one: I blocked your path And we collided I fell back towards death But your hand caught me Your nails cut my wrist As you pulled me to safety I wouldn’t let go I pulled you away from the edge Dream three: I was the light And you chased me I turned off my light Surrounded myself in shadow And dived into the dark Yet you followed Called out for help So I turned back on my light Found your hand in the blackness And watched my light spread into you Dream two: You were given a task You didn’t want to do But I promised to show you My secrete place if you obeyed The trees parted at my presence And I led you to a pond Surrounded by willows Fragranced with lilies You left to complete the task 56 Why Me? Caitlyn Harris I sit in and bed and wonder why me? Why do I sit here at night wondering why the sky is blue And why am I here laying next to you and still feel alone. I lay there staring at the ceiling wondering why do I feel the need to cut deeper than before I sit there and wonder why I let the people I let in, including you who haunts my thoughts on nights like this. People like you who taught me that love can be toxic and full of lies I sit here in bed again and realize that these are the thoughts I am having at the wee hours of the night as my roommate sleeps peacefully next to me. I try to hide the sniffles and hope she doesn't see the blood stained tissues in the trash. And before I know it, I am asleep again, alone in my bed wondering why me. 57 Eyes Haley Bennett gray blue eyes to get lost in to get found in to find in to lose in myself or yourself or the grain gritty until the soft skin polishes to pearl and the same color hidden in between the folds of us. 58 trying to say goodbye Rachelle Renninger it’s hard to look at you without seeing her face it’s hard to hear your voice without hearing her name maybe being “just friends” was the wrong choice even though i so desperately want you in my life, maybe it’s best for you to leave 59 Acknowledgements Dr. Nicole Santalucia, Advisor of ​The Reflector ​and ​Spawning Pool:​ Thank you for your guidance and patience as we tried to navigate what became a crazy year. None of this would be possible without your help every step of the way. We appreciate you being our biggest supporter and pushing us to give it our all. Our Executive Board, Anna D’Orazio, Angela Piper, and Luke Hershey: We are incredibly grateful to work for such a wonderful team this year. ​Anna: Thank you for always offering a helping hand and walking us through the process of creating the Spawning Pool. You are a patient teacher and a fierce leader. We would like to wish you all the best in your future pursuits. Thank you for everything. ​Angela: Thank you for being a voice of reason and keeping everyone organized. You’re always around to push us to do our best and you shamelessly promote all our hard work over the year. We are so thankful for your fun mom energy and positive attitude through the entire process. ​Luke:​ Thank you for always promoting us and being there for everyone. You are a diligent worker, yet you don’t take life too seriously. Thank you for always being there to ease tension in the room after a stressful day of classes and to entertain us all. Kim Hess, Creative Services Coordinator: Thank you for your dedication and your guidance through the process of creating the SpawningPool. We appreciate your willingness to answer any questions we could possibly come up with at any time of the day and allowing us to take time out of your busy schedule. Because of you, we are able to showcase Shippensburg University’s wonderful writers and artists. Our Poetry Committee: This SpawningPool would not have been possible without every person’s hard work and dedication. Thank you for being so kind and patient, offering to take up extra work, and being a part of the decision making process. It was a pleasure to work with everyone and to be able to bring your ideas to life. You did an excellent job promoting and we were able to have a record high of poetry submissions. Be proud of yourselves. To all our graduating members, thank you for being a part of our team and we wish you the best of luck. We will miss you greatly. 60 “Every heart sings a song late at night. some dare to write while some bleed through their eyes. I don’t know who am I but when tears are in my eyes I know I’m still alive to write what is burning me inside” -Sahani Baleshwar /or