Buumpsvictimize faculty
no cure exists at present

by ST1NKIN' OARLOFF
outbreaks
of
Recent
Buumps,otherwise known as
Nogginis fallofficus , have occurred on the Bloomsburg State
College campus. At press time
the death toll has risen to 57,
with the majority of fatalities
occurring among BSC faculty.
The rare disease is almost
always fatal, has no warning
symptoms, and no cure exists.
The history of the desease
dates back to the days of the
17th century, when Pirates
carried the Buumps organism
back from exotic ports to
European population centers.
Once in. Europe, the microbe
began affecting various villages
Since Diane Aborizinee ha* decided thai she no longer ha* the
time or desire to work for the
MYERS staff , a forced change in
personnel is necessary. What a
pain in the ass. I m9an really,
what the (see other box).

CGA

and towns. The most notorious
outbreak occurred in the little
German village of Wein-amRhine, in 1796. During the
course of the epidemic it was
discovered by a certain P.D.Q.
Bach, a child of the musical
genius, Johann Sebastian, that
alcohol increases one's
resistance to the disease.
Following this discovery,
alcohol consumption rose by 35
per cent in Europe. In time the
Buumps outbreaks were so few
that no one paid any attention to
them. Today Buumps accounts
for at least 20 per cent of aU
infant mortalities in underdeveloped countries, such as
Biafra , Uganda, and East
Stroudsburg. Despite the
complete lack of warning signs,
there is one major property
which sufferers > of Buumps
exhibit: sloughing off of the
head.
This
spontaneous
decapitation is due to the fact

that the Buwmps microbe feeds
on the tissue of the brain, and
weigh on the average of fifty
pounds each. You can imagine
the effect that twenty thousand
Buump germs would have. The
weight of even ten of them
would cause heads to roll, so to
speak.
Actually, Bump infested
heads do not roll. They simply
fall, striking the ground with
that characteristic "BUUMP".
When asked about the
Bloomsburg outbreak , U.S.
Health Officials were quite
dumbfounded.
"We thought that the only
modern day victims of Buumps
were children and infants, but it
only stands to reason that
college faculty would be next."
Modern day practices of
playing dirty drinking songs in
the delivery room, and baptism
in beer have greatly reduced
the Buump death rate among
American and European, in-

Nudist colony begins

by JACK FURNACE
At Monday nights CGA
meeting, held at Hess's Tavern,
the council voted in favor of the
Investment Committee proj ect
and the Campus Voice-New
York Times merger, but denied
funding to the BSC football
team.
Paul Reardon, Investmentv
Committee Chairperson , approached CGA with a proposal
to purchase and rennovate a
vacant camp located near the
BSC campus. Reardon's project
involves the formation of a
weekend nudist colony with
facilities exclusively available
to both students and faculty.
Mr. Reardon also emphasized
the importance of a rigorous
sports program including touch
football , handball, and basic
instruction in pole valuting. The
sports program is designed to
relieve the academic and
physical frustrations that
plague all college students. The
initial investment of $564,000 is
to be appropriated from the
Husky Contingency Fund.
The general council also
witnessed a plea from Dale
Myers, Executive Editor of the
Voice, for $1,783,000 to make
possible the merging of his biweekly and the widely known
N.Y. Times..Myers received the
bid, but only after a long
discussion by some council
members who were more in
favor of the Washington Post as
the recipient of such a
prestigious honor.
CGA denied, by a unanimous
decision, to allocate $50 for the
purchase of three footbal l
helmets and a new pigskin.
emPresident Mulhern
phatically urged the general
council to be wary of the indiscriminate use of the
student's money for worthless
proposals such as the football

BUUMP...OOOHHH...SHIT . The illustrious Dr. Fox unexpectedl y falls victim to the buumps while speaking at the
\
was asked wdjMan Eater Tournament.

charge of the project,
team put forth tonight.
In announcements and whether he thought the route
discussion it was noted that the was feasible, to which Legge
Campus Beautification and replied, "Yes, well, I think that
Landscaping Committeeis busy maybe it'll be ok."
working on the purchase of 25
peyote plants, 15 of which would
be used to accent the landscaping work being done around
the historic Carver Hall.
President McCormick was so>
delighted by the project that he
convinced the committee to
by BILL FOXHOLE
plant the remaining 10 in a
WASHINGTON, Dec. 12 The
flower bed close to his study so most recent government rage
he could show off the little
encouraging people to obtain a
babies to visiting dignitaries. Pig flu vaccination was
Biology Professor Tom
discovered to be a capatalistic
Manley, also a member of the
subversive measure to uncommittee, through intense
dermine the people of the
research, has developed a man
United States.
eating mutation of the iguana
A reliable source told a
lizard. In the interview ,
DAILY
MYERS reporter that
Manley, accutely obsessed by
his discovery, implied that the certain confirmed, capitalist,
monsters would be employed as high government officials, who
guards to the new peyote plants.
CGA is urging students to write
letters to the editor to put an end
to this man 's insane ideas.
Because of .a lack of funds the
group formerly known as the
Overpass Committee is now
called the Underpass Committee, The Underpass Committee, working to insure the
safe travel of students under
Lightstreet Road, is incurring
its share of problems.
Due ,to the lack of a better
outlet, the tunnel as planned
starts at the cliff above the road
and comes out in the morgue of
the Bloomsburg Hospital.
Matthew Legge, the student in

f ants . The BSC epidemic Health Service is for everyone
creates a new and challenging to head down to Hesses or the
problem, however. The official Good Old Days, and tie one on.
recommendation of the U.S. See you there—BUUMP!

Pig vaccinationrevealed
as a capitalist plot

dovll are we to do, I moan right
In the middle of the year, I mettti
•he didn't even think of anyone
but hsrtslf, (mean now the Dally
Myert may be forced to (old, I
mean I might lose my }ob , ahhhh
hell don't leave MI dear sweet
CHANEI

are now in the custody of the
CIA, plotted to end the lives of
unpatriotic Americans.
It all began about three years
ago during a top secret research
project in biological warfare,
when a highly dangerous
Uranium byproduct escaped
into the town »f -,-n, -- - „ ,
killing several people.
These certain officials
decided to capitalize on the
occurance by endowing with a
cute name like "Swine Flu ".
- -

One of the yet unknown high government officials responsible for the Pig Flu Plot. Unfortunatly, their names
aire being withheld until notification of next of kin.

and blowing the whole thing out
of proportion, thus scareing
avid American patriots into
becoming innoculated while the
other citizens, and probably
commies, did not.
Subsequently, if they had not
been nabbed, the Pig germ
would have been released into
the nations water supplies, thus
affecting all those not innoculatedwith the vaccine. The
officials thought this would
have a coercing affect on those
not afflicted to follow any future
government suggestions.
It is not yet known whether
some of the germs have been
released, so the Department of
Health, Education and Welfare
in conjunction with Bloomsburg
Hospital have listed several
symptoms to watch for. Extreme drowsiness followed by
insane attempts to commit
rape. Those who succeed in
resolving their provoked hornies, will seem to think that they
are cured. In fact they are,
temporarily, but within two
weeks the same act will be
provoked or their privates will
drop off or fall out.
If you arc worried about
contracting the Pig flu it is
suggested that you should
immediately be innoculated.
You may want to wait until
after you enjoy the early
symptoms for a while. Do watch
out!